For many families, Father’s Day is cause for celebration. It’s the time to take pops out for a nice dinner, buy him a bad tie, or sit back an enjoy a good barbecue lunch because he insists on being the master of the grill even if it’s his special day.

 

But for many people out there, Father’s Day is the simple reminder that dad is not, was not, or did not care to be around. And while Father’s Day is a time we set aside to honor men who exemplify the role of a father, it should also serve as a reminder to all the men out there who are not the fathers they should be or can be.

 

That’s not to say there aren’t good reasons men shouldn’t be fathers to their children. In many situations, the wisest thing a mother can do is remove her children or their father from a situation that is neglectful, abusive or emotional unfulfilling.

 

But I’m in the unique position to say that I’ve had a double dose of fatherhood at the most unexpected times. About three years ago, my father died of cancer. It was a terrible blow to our family. It was the major parent death we all fear and one that leaves you questioning your own existence. I did, as so many who’ve lost a parent, a major life evaluation: where am I going in life? what do I want most? who do I want to be?

 

Not long after he passed away, a man I thought had died came back into my life—my birth father. It was a bizarre experience as both my brother and I are adopted and we’d assumed (and were led to believe) that he’d passed away. The exact opposite was true. He is very much alive and very interested in my life and very eager to experience fatherhood after a long 25 year absence. I’ve been a little hesitant to return to daughter role. I lost the only father I knew and now here is a man who wants to pick up the pieces.

 

How do I accept that?

 

One day at a time. Letters turned into monthly phone calls. We see each other about every two months. We have breakfast or lunch. He leaves voice messages. And, yes, it’s terribly strained and difficult at times to deal with this but how many people do you know get the opportunity to have a second chance dad? I do not call him father or dad but use his first name—Ben. I’ve experienced fatherhood before and feel you have to earn that role in a child’s life. You don’t automatically get the title because of DNA. The same should be said for motherhood as well. And since my mother remarried I’ve also gained a new fatherly figure in my life too.

 

I’ve got a dad overdose where some people are man-malnourished.

 

And this Father’s Day, I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have had men in my life who’ve wanted the chance to be a father figure when so many men run from their obligation. And while I can’t say that my relationship with any of the father figures in my life has been ideal, I have learned from each of them the importance of fatherhood. I’ve learned what to expect from my husband when (God willing) we become parents and he enters fatherhood. I’ve learned through losing and gaining fathers that children and mothers should have high expectations and that the role of dad should be an honor for men not a burden or a child support payment.

 

You must be logged in to comment.

Username

Password

Signup Now!